Keep Yourself Safe

Have you ever found yourself so full of joy that it haunted your nights?

A guilty mind races. Hopes, fantasies, hurts. Questions of meaning and will. It is a conversation to have with yourself, with your intimates, your friends, and anyone around really.

How to hurt and be hurt. An art form.

MELTED.

A force that pulls and pushes and pulls again. You are not lost in the action. You act and you are. An opportunity is lost when another is taken. We all let go of everything just to pick one.

What are you missing?

Feeling whole. Not a part that picks, but a sadness that envelopes entirely, completely. A hope that shatters utterly, so that not even a shape remains. An uncut, unabridged, unbroken, undivided attention that lingers on and on and on and falters and wavers and is unstoppably tempting.

I wish I had known more. I seek to learn more. I enjoy understanding and delving into a mind that beckons. And to you... Is it not beautiful?

Parlous Desperation

"People who have a strong desire for self-exposure and a need for approval are just stupid and strange." - Mari, 2021

Mari is a young woman I recently saw on a video. She gets other desperate young women to become prostitutes, and keeps a part of what they are paid by clients. It is what they consider an easy job, making a large amount of money for little investment.

I have seen a lot of discussion about which signs indicate the collapse of a society. A collapse in the sense of their power structure failing, often shifting into the hands of other societies. One such sign we should consider is desperation.

Desperation is a lack of freedom to act. No options; just grabbing at an escape. The more of it and the worse it is, the better we can see the state of our society. It is not just about happiness. A tough time can be unhappy, but it does not have to be morally decrepit.

A sense of urgent need will overwhelm any risk - nothing is a greater motivator. For women, the most obvious indicator is prostitution. It is a simple transaction that comes with long lasting debt. For men, that might be military conscription.

Personal corruption will turn systemic, when the victims are marked, placed, and signed.

When Am I Getting A Comment

A message or comment directed at you, yes You, is a very gratifying event. Eyes light up, the interest spikes. It's a minor accomplishment to get another person of interest to say something back to you.

This is not true of our day to day interactions. It seems to be a given to have another person respond. "Excuse me, what time is it?" Simple! But getting a mail response, a written letter, feels as if another person made a grand decision to pay attention to you. A reply to a post is much easier to conjure, but still dings well in the notifications tab!

But what if the attraction is turned into a trick? A distraction? A tool that makes you, yes You, anticipate the next message. The next comment. The next email! A tingling of anxiety creeps onwards. Anger at the lack of interaction. We are humans! We interact! No one would just silently ignore you face to face, right?

That is not a healthy relationship. Communication is a simple, fluid, friendly type of activity. It is not painful. There is no reason to delay and drag on conversations. And those who do not reciprocate end up without much to tell anyways.

Spend that energy on those who spend it back. Equal and prosperous relationships. 

Conclusions of a Life Online

As I transition into the next phase of my life, I would like to share some conclusions. Most, from my life in webcam chatrooms.

A few years back, wanting a website in my name, I thought a blog would be a good way of expressing my mind - my self. I knew it was kind of old fashioned, even back then, but saw no other way to suit my taste. I mixed up YouTube videos with my posts, my own narration, and all in all it was nice.

A few months back, as evident by my lack of posting schedule, I stopped. And instead, I'm now posting Tweets, on Twitter! Hardly the same, but the format is attractive; an easier connection to people. And it does not feel censored as much as Facebook.

My Twitter is on the right, if you are curious. Follow me.

Sometimes it's quiet, and sometimes there are lots of people.

I have moderated and run webcam chatrooms for several years, now. I have seen an endless stream of random men, of all creeds, showing unwelcome penises. I have seen a percentage, albeit much lower, of random women showing vaginas and-or breasts. Both sexes would play with them, until banning - for transgression against the website rules, which do not allow nudity.

I have met & suffered many psychopaths that would harass myself, or others, on a semi-regular basis. Spam messages, threats, information leaking, and anything imaginable that would bother a person. Luckily, I live in a non-English speaking country, where most botherers can't reach me. My attentiveness and chat-robot making skills defend me well.

Through the years, I have "hosted" many guests in my chatrooms. Some for short periods, some for long - even years, even long years. None were as steady as me, outside of my own several month vacation, of recent. Even those I had trusted further, and had the impression that they would stick around, eventually left; for a variety of reasons, from work, school, to the girlfriend getting jealous.

As a dedicated and caring person, who prefers to remain excited & positive in my daily life, I have had many disappointments. I get used to it, but it is never easy. It did, however, teach me about patience, the value of my efforts, and about people. What types of people are out there. Their motivations. How I am seen by others. And what I should expect.

All in all, a lot of great experiences, a varying level of friendships - some of whom I have met offline, and excellent lessons and growth on my part.

Vaporware Is A E S T H E T I C 4 1 1 Y Amusing

I got inspired from vaporwave memes, to make this tiny script. It is 6MB, it is clean - no virus or malware or anything. I programmed it myself, using Python, and then compiled it. CLEAN. Also, Google Drive automatically scans files for viruses under 20mb.

LINK -> https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B0oFryxZc0ZjY21vcU5DM2F6Yk0

Trump 2016, since 1999.

Windows 95, since 1999.

Enjoy & share. ♥