Have you ever found yourself so full of joy that it haunted your nights?
A guilty mind races. Hopes, fantasies, hurts. Questions of meaning and will. It is a conversation to have with yourself, with your intimates, your friends, and anyone around really.
How to hurt and be hurt. An art form.
MELTED.
A force that pulls and pushes and pulls again. You are not lost in the action. You act and you are. An opportunity is lost when another is taken. We all let go of everything just to pick one.
What are you missing?
Feeling whole. Not a part that picks, but a sadness that envelopes entirely, completely. A hope that shatters utterly, so that not even a shape remains. An uncut, unabridged, unbroken, undivided attention that lingers on and on and on and falters and wavers and is unstoppably tempting.
I wish I had known more. I seek to learn more. I enjoy understanding and delving into a mind that beckons. And to you... Is it not beautiful?
"People who have a strong desire for self-exposure and a need for approval are just stupid and strange." - Mari, 2021
Mari is a young woman I recently saw on a video. She gets other desperate young women to become prostitutes, and keeps a part of what they are paid by clients. It is what they consider an easy job, making a large amount of money for little investment.
I have seen a lot of discussion about which signs indicate the collapse of a society. A collapse in the sense of their power structure failing, often shifting into the hands of other societies. One such sign we should consider is desperation.
Desperation is a lack of freedom to act. No options; just grabbing at an escape. The more of it and the worse it is, the better we can see the state of our society. It is not just about happiness. A tough time can be unhappy, but it does not have to be morally decrepit.
A sense of urgent need will overwhelm any risk - nothing is a greater motivator. For women, the most obvious indicator is prostitution. It is a simple transaction that comes with long lasting debt. For men, that might be military conscription.
Personal corruption will turn systemic, when the victims are marked, placed, and signed.
A message or comment directed at you, yes You, is a very gratifying event. Eyes light up, the interest spikes. It's a minor accomplishment to get another person of interest to say something back to you.
This is not true of our day to day interactions. It seems to be a given to have another person respond. "Excuse me, what time is it?" Simple! But getting a mail response, a written letter, feels as if another person made a grand decision to pay attention to you. A reply to a post is much easier to conjure, but still dings well in the notifications tab!
But what if the attraction is turned into a trick? A distraction? A tool that makes you, yes You, anticipate the next message. The next comment. The next email! A tingling of anxiety creeps onwards. Anger at the lack of interaction. We are humans! We interact! No one would just silently ignore you face to face, right?
That is not a healthy relationship. Communication is a simple, fluid, friendly type of activity. It is not painful. There is no reason to delay and drag on conversations. And those who do not reciprocate end up without much to tell anyways.
Spend that energy on those who spend it back. Equal and prosperous relationships.
As I transition into the next phase of my life, I would like to share some conclusions. Most, from my life in webcam chatrooms.
A few years back, wanting a website in my name, I thought a blog would be a good way of expressing my mind - my self. I knew it was kind of old fashioned, even back then, but saw no other way to suit my taste. I mixed up YouTube videos with my posts, my own narration, and all in all it was nice.
A few months back, as evident by my lack of posting schedule, I stopped. And instead, I'm now posting Tweets, on Twitter! Hardly the same, but the format is attractive; an easier connection to people. And it does not feel censored as much as Facebook.
My Twitter is on the right, if you are curious. Follow me.
Sometimes it's quiet, and sometimes there are lots of people.
I have moderated and run webcam chatrooms for several years, now. I have seen an endless stream of random men, of all creeds, showing unwelcome penises. I have seen a percentage, albeit much lower, of random women showing vaginas and-or breasts. Both sexes would play with them, until banning - for transgression against the website rules, which do not allow nudity.
I have met & suffered many psychopaths that would harass myself, or others, on a semi-regular basis. Spam messages, threats, information leaking, and anything imaginable that would bother a person. Luckily, I live in a non-English speaking country, where most botherers can't reach me. My attentiveness and chat-robot making skills defend me well.
Through the years, I have "hosted" many guests in my chatrooms. Some for short periods, some for long - even years, even long years. None were as steady as me, outside of my own several month vacation, of recent. Even those I had trusted further, and had the impression that they would stick around, eventually left; for a variety of reasons, from work, school, to the girlfriend getting jealous.
As a dedicated and caring person, who prefers to remain excited & positive in my daily life, I have had many disappointments. I get used to it, but it is never easy. It did, however, teach me about patience, the value of my efforts, and about people. What types of people are out there. Their motivations. How I am seen by others. And what I should expect.
All in all, a lot of great experiences, a varying level of friendships - some of whom I have met offline, and excellent lessons and growth on my part.
I got inspired from vaporwave memes, to make this tiny script. It is 6MB, it is clean - no virus or malware or anything. I programmed it myself, using Python, and then compiled it. CLEAN. Also, Google Drive automatically scans files for viruses under 20mb.
I just came back to Israel, from about four months of travel, vagabonding mostly in Canada, and a bit in Western Europe. I have never been to Canada before, so I thought it a suitable destination. Maybe I would find a home there. Or company. Or interest. Anything.
I seriously love my "FeelTheWorld" Z-Trek sandals! It's almost like walking barefoot.
(Painful, for the novitiate!)
As always, I wanted to test my idea[l]s hardcore, so I went out with no sleeping bag, no tent, "FeelTheWorld" sandals with thin flexible soles, and an uncomfortable small backpack. After a couple of weeks, I spent almost every night outside. Eventually, not finding feather-down pants, I did buy a sleeping bag. Nights were cold, too often. But, I never gave up on my feet!
*sigh* Refreshing. Fishies nibbling at my legs. :3
My first days outside, walking cheerfully for endless hours, every day, taught me the difference between daily fitness walks and actual walking. My feet were sore, bleeding, slowly callusing, and quickly became unusable. I walked for a few days, then had a few days rest, in a hostel.
Eventually however, my feet did get used to days of walking. Marches. With carried weight. The calluses healed, the pain faded - or my endurance lasted longer hours, and I got tougher. The most primal, basic function of a Human, or any land-loving animal, was gained! I could walk freely, almost anywhere. [Walking long stretches on stones, like big pebbles, was too difficult and highly painful - but I am sure I will get used to it.]
Resting and cleaning, in the morning, next to a small waterfall in the valley.
Another issue I had was exposure to the elements; sun, wind, temperature, bugs, people, noise, dangers. Mostly the sun and wind, though. My body was not used to being exposed for whole days and long weeks! It gave me fatigue and irritation, sometimes bordering on distress. Again, with time I did get used to it, more so than before; although I still sought out shade and wind-blocks.
These issues, and my growing mastery of them, got me to consider roleplaying and virtual games. They do not expose us to the elements. Walking a virtual world is easy and boring. Walking the Earth is difficult and challenging, at the best of times. To walk some places is nigh impossible! Try walking through bush, a thick forest with thorny vines, or a stretch of thorns. Not to mention most places are not level. Climbing does feel!
The library's carpet, in North London, sure was agreeable! :D
So, in conclusion, at least one of the lessons I learned from this trip - do not be afraid of your environment. Get used to it. Feel comfortable in it, as much as possible. Life is not only about feeling comfortable in your own skin; it's also about feeling comfortable in your own space.
And virtual games could learn the lesson, too. Somehow.
It was a fair and warm day in the afternoon hours, when the man was walking down the street. The city, small and homely, was not a buzz with people.
"Good day," another pedestrian said to the man. He nodded back at the friendly gesture. Suddenly, the fellow slapped him on the face. Not hard, not enough to concuss. But hard enough.
"Why did you do that?!" The man asked his assailant, surprised.
"Well", the other explained in a calm tone, "it is the end of the world." The man, the victim, steered his head and vision to encompass the large shape in the sky, sitting outside the atmosphere, yet very visible.
After all, it is a well known fact that a regular sized seeming object from far far away is actually vastly large, so much as to boggle the mind's grasp of perspective.
The fellow pedestrian tilted his head up and to the side as well, seeing the meteor that was slowly but surely approaching them. Them all. Quietly, they both stared, and said nothing more.
Friendship is when two people get to know each other, to like each other, and trust each other. It sounds big, but it does not have to take long. People can become friends inside a week. Obviously, time is a factor when getting to know a person, but trust itself can be established quickly; if it is tested properly.
Clive Staples Lewis (29 November 1898 – 22 November 1963) was a British novelist, poet, broadcaster, and lecturer.
Some people hold dear to moral values. Loyalty. Honesty. Courage. Those who do, can be true friends; trustworthy. Most others can only be friends to a limited extent. Once you have some distance between you, or anything happens that puts your relationship on trial, they will cut away, rather than work on it together.
Friendship is complex and difficult.
Fucking, however, is not. Having sex is the most basic, common, and simple act any person can do. Bugs do it. It is very simple. That is how animals continue their lineage. It is nature at its best! Functional & practical.
And the two can not mix.
Moral judgement is impaired, entirely, when sex is involved. Sex becomes a motivation in itself, keeping the relationship going, even when it is bad. Even when you are not friends, and even when you hate each other.
If you doubt the power of sex, look at the world. Billions of people! Millions of people crammed into cities, even in western "civilizations". Endless children born to single moms or in broken relationships.
There is only one meaning to it, if you have sex with someone you call "a friend", without you both wanting to upgrade into a couple. You prefer having sex - for yourself - than having the friendship.
This goes to all the casual-fuckers out there. Stop deluding yourself. If you put sex over friendship, you are mentally weak and socially abusive, and you do not appreciate true friendship and trust. You will receive the same treatment from others.
Dedicated to the notorious /4chan room on Tinychat / Kageshi. <3
It's funny how we can miss something bad. How we want that tiny bit of excitement, found in a cesspit of darkness, hatred, and misery. A smile that brings joy, even though it's rarely visible.
A community can be broken and harmful, more damaging to its members than useful. Yet, it is still a community; a place to call home, sorta thing. This is true about any relationship... A family, or a couple, and even friends. We don't only get used to it, we cherish those few moments that make us feel loved - whether we are actually loved or not.
Q&A stands for questions and answers. You ask questions, expecting answers. Same goes for the other side, with you being the one to answer.
Dedicated to all the trolls.
In an intimate relationship, trust is everything. I have recently found myself going through some breakup posts on Facebook, from guys who were deeply betrayed by their female partners. Obviously, both genders can betray the other, but for myself I find it easier to relate to the guys' experiences.
The horror stories are real! Long lasting relationships of years, ending in a quick betrayal; the girl leaving with another guy. Or the girl being caught with another guy. Or even the girl revealing that she is cheating; sometimes for a long period. The guys are devastated, being forced out of their illusion of a loving couple.
I have come to notice that people tend to expect others to be as they are, themselves. Doing so, they assume that if they feel attached and in-love, so is the other person. To add to the illusion, most are unwilling to explicitly and clearly establish the truth.
However, from my own experience and that of others as keen about the truth as I am, there is a method that prevents a false relationship from, at the least, catching. By asking questions, and insisting on detailed answers, we can avoid these illusions. The answers reveal if the other person is a good person, fitting for you. Vague answers or evasions will reveal the other person to be untrustworthy.
Even when emotions are strong, and you might feel love and loving, by insisting on revealing the truth about yourself and the other person, you will slowly make it impossible to continue - without either fixing the apparent problems, or breaking up entirely.
And it should be done from day one. No excuses. A relationship is trust, and trust requires honesty and truth. Therefor the truth is the relationship, and without it there is only a charade of emotions and needs.
Hopefully, instead of wasting months or years, getting tremendously hurt and hurting another, it will end quickly. In my own experience, within the first week there will be a tendency to want to cut away from the other person - if it's bad. Then, even if you go back together, it will not be more than a couple of weeks, until the truth simply does not let you persist.
Life is composed of needs, wants, and responses. Needs are at the core of our lives, and cannot be ignored. They are simple and intuitive. Our wants, however, can vary and collide with our needs.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
We need to breathe, but we do not need sex. We want sex. Even though it is a very strong and fundamental desire, it is not a need. We also want specific foods, so while nourishment is a need, eating snacks or what have you is only a want.
Responses, while meaningful, are just how we react to unexpected events in our lives. While it is good to be prepared, it is how we handle our needs and wants that seems to have the most influence on us.
The meaning to life of a person is beyond what is shared with all others. It is personal and unique, by this definition, and so is constructed from our unique wants. It is personal, intimate, and thus has meaning to us.
So, finally, the meaning to life is our dreams, achievements, interests, hobbies, and our personal relationships; our intimate environment.
We tell stories through movies & series, produced by expensive studios paying skilled actors. This allows for a better production, and a more exciting display. But it also makes for a less personal and less detailed narration, as is available through simple word of mouth.
A captivating tale, indeed!
Folk stories were passed on according to place & time. They changed narration to fit the situation. To give the best value, in the form of education; whether moral or practical. They were heeded and used, and while entertaining, also raised caution and curiosity in the listeners.
In stark contrast to word of mouth, media productions are not better than eyecandy and plain entertainment. They fail to make the audience learn from others, but instead encourage a mimicking of character, without any understanding of cause & effect. This is how we get a culture of people behaving like retards, trying to be popular.
Even now, people sit alone in front of their computer, television, and phone screen. More alone that ever before, as media has become so accessible, privately. For studying this is a great boon; you can study anything, anytime, anywhere. But for socializing, a more urgent need, we no longer tell stories, and figure those stories out, in groups.
Today, people are less free than ever before. All people, everywhere in the world, are now bound to the control of a government. No one is free from the say of another person; not even the remote vagabond or the hermit.
It is only with the advancing of technology that the fascists are able to monitor and control everyone, so tightly. While we enjoy improved communications, entertainment, and automation, our slavers can tighten their leashes and enforce their will, in its entirety.
In the past, different forms of slavery and rule existed, but there was always space to keep away from such things, and keep to your own small & remote community. Today, even empty deserts and remote forests are under the "rule of law."
We now have a culture of laboring for others, most of our waking hours, and being inside small rooms during. In opposition to it, there is the Rewild movement.
Ecovillages. Permaculture. Organic Agriculture. No movement is attending the issue of freedom. They all try to improve on our current life style, without addressing the source of the problem. That no one can live as they wish, without answering to another - the government.
Only Rewilders intuit the need to be free of these coerced bonds between people. That being born does not mean giving consent to what those before you have decided.
I need you to suffer. That is how I grow. You are alive, while suffering. What does not kill you, makes me stronger. Mute faces turn alive. There is meaning to your existence, when you suffer.
I check with others, who have different varying experiences, to form opinions about unknown topics. This can either be achieved through gossip, or actual presentation of evidence and arguments. The two tend to get mixed together to some degree.
The only way to quickly figure out if information may be true is by using Logic. However, the language of Logic is not as popular as it is useful. This means most people do not verify the gossip they hear, in any methodical way.
I LOL'd :D
Knowing this, many people take it on themselves to "inform" the public, regularly. Politicians, news-spokesmen, media representatives, and so on. All of them make a salary from passing on gossip to people, which more often than not is unverified and false.
Also, due to the ease of access and vagueness of information, their followers become dependent. Those public speakers become their daily source of information and social entertainment. Their window to the world, so to speak.
There is only one way to avoid false reports and useless gossip, so that you make opinions that reflect reality and are helpful to you: Having standards. Well, we all have different standards, so the requirement is high standards.
What do you know about the person speaking?
Would they have incentive to lie?
Do they verify their own sources of information?
Are you being told about research that is financed by a group with a particular interest?
Research financed by tobacco companies, showing no-correlation between smoking cigarettes and lung cancer, is not a surprise. News channels censoring any incriminating items about their sponsors, or anyone related to their funding, is again not a surprise. Even medical companies sponsoring dangerous pills that cause more harm than help, when it comes to the wide public, is only economically expected.
So, doubt both the person and the information they speak. Ask questions, and see if there is any resistance to providing evidence. Look for falsifiable arguments and statements, and see if they are actually being supported by the evidence.
The less I say in a single short phrase, the more meaning I pass with less effort. This is also true about coding computer software & websites. Commands can be passed in a simple, very readable fashion, similar to how we would talk to another person.
Or, commands can be passed in sophisticated, complex, and convoluted ways, which logically give the same results. But these complex methods, while more efficient for a computer, are much harder for a human to follow and figure out.
Making voxels with colors, lights, and different selection modes.
I have spent the last few months working on a new project in Node.js, using a front-end library for WebGL, called THREE.js. I am creating a 3D virtual world that uses voxels - 3d particles, usually cubes, for all its objects.
Two choices were in front of me: One, put a keyboard key-press event where it happens, which would be efficient. Two, put the event in a fast loop, where all events are checked at a rate of sixty frames per second, which is not efficient, but very readable and orderly.
When checking the event in the fast loop, I use an IF statement that must be passed, in order to execute anything else. Not surprisingly, for a computer this is insignificant effort, so the performance is not impacted, at all.
If performance would be impacted, then I would choose efficiency over readability. But as long as it is not, then readability is always my priority. If you cannot quickly read through it, then it is too complicated to be practical!
A new generation should speak up the truth
Not just lyrics and rhyme, or beats and moves
When you speak of reason, method, and proof
Minds, not just hearts, will be moved
Make a statement in life,
No wait, statements in wrote
And find me a Youtube to watch,
Instead of the rhetoric they talk
'Cause I wanna know what it means
When a girl is fallacious
No, not sucking dick,
But just sayin' nonsense
I don't think school teaches that,
Or else people would notice
That rappers don't say
What's evident for us
Methodically faulty and follows to nothing,
Is an old generation of spitting and popping
It's time we talked real - not guns and police, or deals and regrets,
but arguments that we'd never fuckin' forget.
There is a difference between what an evil act can create, and what situations are sustained by evil action. I think the former is not necessarily evil, while the latter is necessarily evil. Lets take an example...
Click pic for more awesome prints from LawrenceArtsCenter.org
One of the most evil acts known to man is rape. The use of force to physically control another person. It is not uncommon for a woman victim to get pregnant from the assault. In this case, there is no obligation for the child to follow in the steps of the father. Good raising and care will create a good person, regardless of the father. We have all seen cases of good children from bad parents.
On the other hand, there are situations that can only exist - be sustained, perpetuated, by evil acts. Take another extreme evil: slavery. It is not possible to possess slaves, without coercing yourself on them. Without continuous coercion, slavery will not exist, instantly so.
It seems that anything caused by evil may be either good or bad, while anything sustained by evil must be also wrong. This observation lets us better judge people's choices! Anyone who enjoys the results of another's evil is not liable, unless they are also involved.
However, if you are enjoying the sustained evil actions of others, then you are collaborating and are necessarily committing evil!
Will power is the result of intuition & patience. Intuition means you have to trust yourself, rather than instantly turning to others. Patience can be trained, like strength or speed, and should be trained to where most things in daily life can not make you rush yourself.
Shia LaBeouf
Intimidation, on the other hand, is when external threats make you act, in your perspective, defensively. Rather than plan and think things through, intimidation rushes you to react quickly, and miss out on crucial information about your situation.
Without patience and trust in your intuition, it becomes difficult to motivate yourself into doing things that you want. Keeping in shape, studying, making & fixing items, and many more chores that are valuable, but hard to approach without an existing habit.
And that is why people turn to self-intimidation, or they let others intimidate them into action. Common examples are schools, militaries, and employment; where someone is in command, and orders you around, giving punishment when you fail to comply.
Not only does this not improve your ability to plan and act on your own - keeping you reliant on others, but also you do not actually gain the knowledge necessary to figure out the best choices for yourself. Those who command you, do it for their own personal gain.
Rely on yourself. You are the only person in your shoes. Make your own mistakes, and learn from them. Do not expect others to take full responsibility over you. They will not. They cannot, as only you can choose for yourself. Trust yourself, and improve at what you choose to do.
